i feeel horribly ___ nao. *looks at the square thing beside the wine cellar

these made me laugh like some mad cow for the first time in weeks.

Ying here.
can someone please help me to make this poor girl's 17th a good one? please!

im feeling tired. very tired.

i should slap myself for asking for her departure but this is too tiring, even for her.
the tears in her eyes pains me.

i need some sleep.
im a wreck, emotionally and physically.

yesterday was painful and overwhelm with unexplainable emotions.

i saw her slip in and out of conscious.
i saw everyone surrounding her bed with their tear-stained face.
i too, could not fight back those teardrops.

it was frightening to witness that scene, the scene whereby everyone is called into her room, where she wanted to see everyone.
it was painful to see that she could not even complete one sentence before she becomes unconscious again.
it was unbearable to feel her grab my hand so tightly like doesnt want to let go.
it was heart wrenching to hear her try to make noises with all her might only to realise that she cant.

as i gave her a rub just now, i couldnt stop the tap from running itself. those flashbacks consistently came back, those happy ones.
it seems like a long time since i last felt really happy. ever since that fateful day, never once was my mind at ease, never once did i manage to enjoy a day truly.

she was quiet and likes to be left alone. she didnt like children and she didnt know how to love, she doesnt know how to express her emotions and she didnt want to as well.
she was abandoned as a child, twice, if im not wrong, and never really felt the love and happiness that a kid should experience. she married an asshole, who fooled around outside yet conveniently made excuses for himself. she believed in him and gave him all she got, only to realise that she's abandoned, yet again with four kids to raise, a stall with debts. he was a bastard but she never divorced him. she just led her life with her kids, trying to eke a living. she never knew how to manage her kids for she wasnt managed before. she left them to do whatever they wanted and the eldest had to give up her education to help run the stall.
it wasnt that she didnt love them. she just didnt know how to express it.
when they all grew older, she had this innate fear that she would be abandoned all over again. she tried really hard to save and tried really hard to be healthy.

she cant bear to pamper herself because she wants to enjoy old age.
she worries because she doesnt have a house under her name.

she once asked her granddaughters what would they do if their currently rather well-to-do bastard grandfather came back. she feared, feared that they would leave her for him.
albeit quiet lonesome, she dotes on her eldest two granddaughters, bringing them all the way to changi just to drink peach tea and eat potatoe chips, bringing them to watch movies like mulan, letting her second eldest granddaughter paint her nails and putting stickers on her nails, watch the same hokkien drama together, asking them about their results, buying them stuff that they really want and the list just goes on.

though she always made insecured statements and do stuff that makes some disappointed, she never once wanted to be a burden on her family.

she always feared death and illnesses. she wanted to lose weight to be healthy. she embarked on this weight loss competition with her second eldest granddaughter but she didnt expect that the weight loss didnt bode well.

news came. it wasn't good, it was terminal. she couldnt accept it.

she cried, they cried. they didnt know what to expect, what to do and how to go around it.
but they didnt expect that things would turn out this bad.

the drastic change in her condition in the recent days scared them. from being able to walk to being immobalised within a few days. from being able to eat to only drinking a few sips of water a day. from taking naps to not even being able to stay awake.

it pains me so much to watch her wan away that sometimes i feel that her departure would be better for her. it's not about us taking care of her. it's about her not even being able to identify us, it's about her trying to hard just to make herself heard.

i dont know how long would i still be able to touch her warm hands. i dont know how long more can she grab my hands and fall asleep.

she's tired. her heart is aching for us as well. she's worried for us yet she cant express her emotions.

i dont ask for miracles, i just want her to pass on peacefully and painlessly.

much as i want this year's 17th to be celebratory, full of surprise and happiness, i doubt it would ever happen.

dear god, i havent been happy in a while, we havent been happy in a while and she hasnt been happy at all. for once, just make things easier for her. she hasnt had a smooth-sailing life and she doesnt deserve an ending like this.if god can grant me my 17th birthday wish, i just want her to pass on peacefully.


my eyes hurt from all the crying. dont ask, dont call, i cant express myself verbally.
i suddenly feel that there's no meaning in life and i dont know whether can i cope with the loss.yes, i do need some people by my side now but i dont think they;ld understand.

i do hope that i could spend one day, knowing that she's safe and happy somewhere but not here.

i love you grandma and no matter what happens, i'll be here by your side.

till then.

i got the overwhelming feel that i want to puke. please dont tell me it's coming back to me.



hi, i read your blog and im disappointed.

'why cant you change.'
'why are you like this.'
'why cant you be like __'
'can you please understand?'
'but... it's supposed to be like this?'

have you ever blurted out a sentence along this line?

relations is about management. management is the art of balance. the art, of giving and taking.
why should one even set an expectation on others just because YOU think that that is the right way to go?
why cant thing go the other way round? why cant YOU be the one who understand the emotions and actions of another and accept it as it is?

the stable platform would be one in which both parties work together, one accommodating and the other changing, till they reach this equi-balance. it comes a long way and it's not an easy road but it would be worth it if that person really matters isnt it?

well, if there doesnt exists cooperation from any one party, then to the hell with the relation because it's not even one to speak of.

the day is utterly boring. so much so that i have nothing to say.
till date, i have NOT touched my freaking damn pile of homework. i do wonder when would i ever sit down and start doing even one question. gosh.

the holidays are passing real quickly and it's scary to realise that im going to be a J2 next year. the horrid thought about more homework/later schooling hours turns me off.

sigh.

being bored today got me blue nails. (shudders at the sight of stack of untouched chemistry)


(:

my 2010 organiser! chio lei~~

have you ever seen a dog watching tv?


here's one for you.


with ariel

swear she's freaking tall that even when i wear heels, she still must bend to take a pic with me.

which would you choose? to give more or keep more?

SHOULD I BUY THIS CARDI. GOSH. HAVE BEEN THINKING ABOUT THIS BUT IM HAVING GREAT DOUBTS ABOUT IT. TAG!

today was great!

AMK HUB>planet 51(it's a pretty hilarious show)> random decision to go to ikea> talked a lot> anchor point> home.


im tired but i enjoyed myself a lot.

no photos for today.

note to self: the holidays have been seriously unproductive. i should try to start like do my homework? god knows how many times i have been saying this. sigh.

today was great!

AMK HUB>planet 51(it's a pretty hilarious show)> random decision to go to ikea> talked a lot> anchor point> home.


im tired but i enjoyed myself a lot.

no photos for today.

note to self: the holidays have been seriously unproductive. i should try to start like do my homework? god knows how many times i have been saying this. sigh.